I am putting myself on trial here—at least in the sense of opening myself to public scrutiny—and I know that there is no excuse for what I am about to confess. Yes, there were circumstances. But so what? There is absolutely no justification.
I actively and knowingly discriminated against many people on the basis of their race—against black people mostly—in my job.
I want to tell you the story of precisely what happened, what the situation was. But before I do, please let me be clear about this. I had a choice in the matter and I made a bad choice. I did the wrong thing. And talking about it publicly makes it no better, no less morally repugnant and no less personally hurtful to everyone I discriminated against.
I am deeply sorry for what I did and I am mortified by my past behavior, but that does not change anything.
Within a few months of graduating from high school I went to an employment agency to get their help finding a job and they ended up hiring me to work for the agency as an employment counselor. While that was a long time ago, in a sense it doesn’t matter. I have no doubt that ‘institutional’ racism still goes on today, albeit more covertly. There are still people faced with moral choices and sometimes they make really bad choices and participate in racism like I did. After all, it is people who discriminate, not ‘institutions.’
Yes, it was ludicrous for an eighteen-year-old to be giving employment advice to anyone, but I needed a job and although it was straight commission, they gave me a small advance. While I was never one of the top earners, I did manage to hold on for a couple of years while dozens of others came and went.
I wish I’d left the day they told me not to work with “CAs,” but I didn’t.
“CA” was what they marked in the corner of the application when an African American handed the clipboard with the form she’d completed to the receptionist at the front desk. “Colored Applicant,” they told me it stood for. “We can’t place many CAs in jobs, so just give them a courtesy interview,” my boss explained.
A courtesy interview was strictly about going through the motions. It was how you got rid of anyone you weren’t suppose to ‘waste your time with.’ I regret that I’ve given many of those interviews; sometimes because the applicant was not qualified for the office and clerical work we specialized in, but often simply because of the color of their skin.
There were times when we worked with African American applicants. But only when their experience and skills were exceptionally good, or business was slow like the week of Christmas. We operated in an environment where I was routinely asked by Human Resource departments if our applicant was a minority. Discrimination was ubiquitous. We were rotten with it. But you seldom—more accurately, I have never heard anyone take any personal responsibility in the matter. Have you?
Most people are like me. I’ve lived most of my life with the smug self-satisfaction that I’m a good and moral person; that I would never discriminate. But that point of view is cheap paint covering the more upsetting truth that I am in fact an arrogant, entitled white woman and that I’ve done genuine human damage.
So today I join a dozen and a half nation states with Truth Commissions that discover and reveal past wrongdoings in the hope of reconciliation with those hurt in the past. I am dreadfully sorry for what I did. I apologize to those I’ve harmed and pray that they be made whole. And I humbly, with no expectation that it be granted, beg forgiveness.
